The light at the end of my tunnel is sometimes obtuse and often discolored. It can be just a pinprick of light in the darkness and solitude inside myself. And yet, at other times, it can be the most blindingly, brilliant white light I've ever seen.
I don't know why it changes so often. I sometimes wonder if it has anything to do with my bipolar disorder but that isn't a catch all to my problems it's just a question I have. A question I have no answer to. I hope that everyone else has tunnel lights that change just like mine do but then maybe people don't notice them the way I do. Maybe they don't check on their tunnel lights as often as I check on mine.
Perhaps it's because their lights aren't as important to them as mine are to me because they're so busy living their lives and I'm so busy analyzing mine.
That's my downfall, my fault, my biggest flaw...I over analyze everything.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Before you realize you are alone...I will be gone...until we meet again.
The title for today's blog is a set of lyrics from one of my favorite songs named Tonight by Dommin. Look them up on Youtube they have an awesome sound.
The reason for this blog...well...I'm confused. Men confuse me. You see I've recently started dating again and although it's going well, I've never been one to date around a lot. I've always been a monogamous person and I'm just suffering through trying to find the right person to settle down with and I'm not getting what I'm looking for.
Granted I'm known for rushing into things and hoping for the best, wishing for things to go well and trying my damndest to get things to go right only for them to blow up phenomenally in my face. -_-
Why did I think this time would be any different? IDK I just thought it might be. I thought that maybe the connection I made with the guy that I'm currently seeing would be a strong enough one to make it to a monogamous stage very soon but he is unsure and wants to take things slowly. Which, I can understand and respect. However, that doesn't mean my patience has gotten any less thin and it certainly doesn't mean that my temper is any more under control and it in no way means that I'm less likely to over analyze and therefore over rationalize and twist things about in my mind until I've got myself tied up in such a knotted conundrum that even I can't find where it started or ended. And then I'm even more confused. Which just makes me even more moody. Which turns my bipolar into a downward spiral of depression and it is so very difficult for me to climb out of those.
I try to build ladders of my own self confidence, I'm being metaphorical of course here because this all happens in my head, to help myself climb out of said downward spiral but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. On days when it doesn't work I'm not someone anyone wants to be around. I'm so down and depressed and just an all around bad person to be around. I'm not upbeat in any fashion. I'm not happy at all. I don't smile or laugh or joke or use sarcasm. I'm just not me.
So I go through these rolling days of depression and anger and angst and sadness and joy and happiness. All of this makes me wonder sometimes is my bipolar disorder really under control? Or is it just being masked by the medication I'm taking? Or is the medication really working and things would be so much worse if I didn't have it? Again, IDK but I really wish I did.
I'm not saying that my dating is making my bipolar disorder worse I'm saying that all of these unanswered questions and tentative relationships I'm building are making it even more difficult for me to keep my bipolar under control because of the constant mix of emotions.
Which brings me back to the confusing men. When you talk to someone about long term plans and relationship statuses doesn't that usually mean that they are thinking of you and them in a long term sense/relationship. And if it was all hypothetical why would they ask you what kind of ties you have keeping you here in Wisconsin or whether or not you could travel with them? Why would they tell you they don't like it when you flirt with other guys on the very same site that you met them on? Why would they say that you aren't an exclusive couple but still be so demanding? Is it fair for them to be demanding of me when I'm not being demanding of them?
Le sigh...so many questions and not a single answer. Nothing to latch onto and nothing to grasp for besides a handful of broken straws.
The reason for this blog...well...I'm confused. Men confuse me. You see I've recently started dating again and although it's going well, I've never been one to date around a lot. I've always been a monogamous person and I'm just suffering through trying to find the right person to settle down with and I'm not getting what I'm looking for.
Granted I'm known for rushing into things and hoping for the best, wishing for things to go well and trying my damndest to get things to go right only for them to blow up phenomenally in my face. -_-
Why did I think this time would be any different? IDK I just thought it might be. I thought that maybe the connection I made with the guy that I'm currently seeing would be a strong enough one to make it to a monogamous stage very soon but he is unsure and wants to take things slowly. Which, I can understand and respect. However, that doesn't mean my patience has gotten any less thin and it certainly doesn't mean that my temper is any more under control and it in no way means that I'm less likely to over analyze and therefore over rationalize and twist things about in my mind until I've got myself tied up in such a knotted conundrum that even I can't find where it started or ended. And then I'm even more confused. Which just makes me even more moody. Which turns my bipolar into a downward spiral of depression and it is so very difficult for me to climb out of those.
I try to build ladders of my own self confidence, I'm being metaphorical of course here because this all happens in my head, to help myself climb out of said downward spiral but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. On days when it doesn't work I'm not someone anyone wants to be around. I'm so down and depressed and just an all around bad person to be around. I'm not upbeat in any fashion. I'm not happy at all. I don't smile or laugh or joke or use sarcasm. I'm just not me.
So I go through these rolling days of depression and anger and angst and sadness and joy and happiness. All of this makes me wonder sometimes is my bipolar disorder really under control? Or is it just being masked by the medication I'm taking? Or is the medication really working and things would be so much worse if I didn't have it? Again, IDK but I really wish I did.
I'm not saying that my dating is making my bipolar disorder worse I'm saying that all of these unanswered questions and tentative relationships I'm building are making it even more difficult for me to keep my bipolar under control because of the constant mix of emotions.
Which brings me back to the confusing men. When you talk to someone about long term plans and relationship statuses doesn't that usually mean that they are thinking of you and them in a long term sense/relationship. And if it was all hypothetical why would they ask you what kind of ties you have keeping you here in Wisconsin or whether or not you could travel with them? Why would they tell you they don't like it when you flirt with other guys on the very same site that you met them on? Why would they say that you aren't an exclusive couple but still be so demanding? Is it fair for them to be demanding of me when I'm not being demanding of them?
Le sigh...so many questions and not a single answer. Nothing to latch onto and nothing to grasp for besides a handful of broken straws.
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