I feel so lost, so random and so out of control with my thoughts. I don't always feel this way. I don't always not know what to do with myself or where to turn or what to think of. It's been this way for a few months now, feeling lost in my head with my thoughts being so random that I can't finish anything I start.
For instance, last night I finally decided upon drawing for a bit after putting some blueberry muffins in the oven. Well, that didn't go as planned because by the time I got back upstairs after finding all of my drawing materials my fiance was being super romantic, had candles and incense lit and just wanted to spend some quality time with me. So I put my things down and we snacked on some muffins and just hung out.
Things were going well and it looked like I might have been able to actually do the drawing I wanted when our 8 month old daughter decided she wanted to be awake after taking an hour and a half long nap that started at 8 pm and ended at 9:30 pm. She was up til midnight then before she finally went back down for bed for the night.
By that time I was in no mood to draw, my muse had left me. I decided a little facebook perusing and some game time would be just what I needed to unwind before bed, so that's what I did.
Do you see what I mean? I never get to finish what I start. No matter what it is. I barely ever get to complete a task without something coming up that needs to be taken care of or is more important than the task I started, like taking care of my daughter.
I just don't know what to do to get my fiance and mother to understand when I say I need some ME time and I want to be left alone that that is exactly what I want and NEED. It really bothers me that everyone else in the house gets their "me" time and their time to unwind but mine doesn't start until after my daughter has gone to bed and by then I'm so exhausted there's really nothing I want to do.
So irritating. Just lost, don't know what to do with my self or where to go or how to fix this and it's becoming a real problem. I just don't know. :(
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
What have you thought about today?
It's been a long day. I mean a really long day for me. Up at 3 am with a baby who is teething and didn't want to go back to bed. Up again at 10 am after finally going to bed at 5 am because I couldn't get to sleep right away. And I've been up and running ever since.
I finally got home to stay and rest for the remainder of the day at 8 pm. Ugh. I know, I'm ranting and whining. It's just been such a long day. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that lately I haven't had many deep thoughts. I mean deep and meaningful thoughts about topics of discussion today and life in general.
So here's what I want to do. I want to think again. Sounds weird, I know. I just want to have those thoughts again. I want to think about things other than what needs to be paid, where I need to go the next day, what needs to be done on this day or next in line for the day, who needs what, what needs to be cleaned, you get the gist.
I've been thinking lately, on the off chance I get to process deep thoughts, about how our country is so far behind in the medical care department. I'm specifically talking about universal healthcare, Obamacare, is what we're calling it now in our country but it is essentially our president''s, Barack Obama, bid to get universal healthcare put into place in our country.
You see, we happen to be the only first world nation that DOES NOT have universal healthcare. Interesting, no? Even a few THIRD WORLD countries have universal healthcare. That's right folks, even Cuba, has universal healthcare. Australia, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Russia, Japan, Taiwan and all but a few of the still troubled Balkan states of Europe have universal healthcare. Here's a link to a little interesting tidbit of information on it:
http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153/
I find it interesting that the main reason we don't have universal healthcare is because our top 1% of rich population that are so damn greedy that they don't want to help out the little people, of which I'm sure they stepped on a few of to get where they are, and congress is so bought out by them because the rich are backing up congressmen and women saying things like, If you keep this healthcare bid under wraps and not let it go through then we'll continue to fund your campaigns, blah blah blah.
It's bullcrap really when you think about it. The only thing holding us back is our own greed. It's what's going to bring this country down to it's knees again just like back in 1929 during the stock market crash which ultimately led to the depression. We're in a depression right now. Have been for the past six years. It's not getting any better. We need to do something. We need to get to back to taking care of our own.
It's not right that we can send millions of dollars overseas to take care of and help out other countries in need when we have so many of our own that need our help. So many homeless and jobless and in need of healthcare and other basic necessities like food and shelter. It's not right that our middle and lower class population have to fight so hard to stay alive and make ends meet only to get screwed over by our own government by increased taxes. The rich stay and get richer while the poor stay and get poorer.
My family and I are at poverty level right now. We're actually, legally, below poverty level. We barely make ends meet. We visit food pantries twice a month. We're on disability for physical and mental ailments, can't work and even if we could, there is no work to be had. Our car is falling apart, our home is falling apart, we're doing everything we can just to stay afloat and it's hard. Really hard but we're doing it. We're doing it to survive, to stay alive, to get by...just to get by.
Well, I'm done for now. It was just a little food for thought today. Hope you enjoy and I really hope it at least makes you think about things going on in today's society. Have fun with that. :)
I finally got home to stay and rest for the remainder of the day at 8 pm. Ugh. I know, I'm ranting and whining. It's just been such a long day. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that lately I haven't had many deep thoughts. I mean deep and meaningful thoughts about topics of discussion today and life in general.
So here's what I want to do. I want to think again. Sounds weird, I know. I just want to have those thoughts again. I want to think about things other than what needs to be paid, where I need to go the next day, what needs to be done on this day or next in line for the day, who needs what, what needs to be cleaned, you get the gist.
I've been thinking lately, on the off chance I get to process deep thoughts, about how our country is so far behind in the medical care department. I'm specifically talking about universal healthcare, Obamacare, is what we're calling it now in our country but it is essentially our president''s, Barack Obama, bid to get universal healthcare put into place in our country.
You see, we happen to be the only first world nation that DOES NOT have universal healthcare. Interesting, no? Even a few THIRD WORLD countries have universal healthcare. That's right folks, even Cuba, has universal healthcare. Australia, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Russia, Japan, Taiwan and all but a few of the still troubled Balkan states of Europe have universal healthcare. Here's a link to a little interesting tidbit of information on it:
http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153/
I find it interesting that the main reason we don't have universal healthcare is because our top 1% of rich population that are so damn greedy that they don't want to help out the little people, of which I'm sure they stepped on a few of to get where they are, and congress is so bought out by them because the rich are backing up congressmen and women saying things like, If you keep this healthcare bid under wraps and not let it go through then we'll continue to fund your campaigns, blah blah blah.
It's bullcrap really when you think about it. The only thing holding us back is our own greed. It's what's going to bring this country down to it's knees again just like back in 1929 during the stock market crash which ultimately led to the depression. We're in a depression right now. Have been for the past six years. It's not getting any better. We need to do something. We need to get to back to taking care of our own.
It's not right that we can send millions of dollars overseas to take care of and help out other countries in need when we have so many of our own that need our help. So many homeless and jobless and in need of healthcare and other basic necessities like food and shelter. It's not right that our middle and lower class population have to fight so hard to stay alive and make ends meet only to get screwed over by our own government by increased taxes. The rich stay and get richer while the poor stay and get poorer.
My family and I are at poverty level right now. We're actually, legally, below poverty level. We barely make ends meet. We visit food pantries twice a month. We're on disability for physical and mental ailments, can't work and even if we could, there is no work to be had. Our car is falling apart, our home is falling apart, we're doing everything we can just to stay afloat and it's hard. Really hard but we're doing it. We're doing it to survive, to stay alive, to get by...just to get by.
Well, I'm done for now. It was just a little food for thought today. Hope you enjoy and I really hope it at least makes you think about things going on in today's society. Have fun with that. :)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
A little pain goes a long way
A little background information is needed here in order for you to understand what's going on with me. About six years ago I got into a wicked car accident. No one was injured but me and there were was only one other vehicle involved that I bounced off of in my car and dented their door, that was it. I ended up fishtailing badly on a snow covered freeway because the guy who cut in front of me last minute decided to also hard brake right away. I totaled my car by bouncing off two sets of k-rails twice and doing two 360's before dinging the door of a dual axle pick up truck and ending up in the middle of the freeway in a broke ass car. My car was totaled and unfortunately, so was my body.
The end result of this accident for me is a permanent twist to my lower lumbar spine that will not go away and a sideways s-curve to the rest of my spine that I see a chiropractor for just so it doesn't get any worse. I'm in constant pain because of these two things. CONSTANT pain that can and does spread down to both my legs causing numbness, tingling and burning pain. There is a surgery available to correct the twist in my lumbar spine but the risk of losing all use of my right leg is 80%. I don't think that's a viable option being a mother and wanting to live a relatively active life.
All of that brings me to my update, my complaint, my little whiny paragraph or two. Every time I see my chiropractor it hurts like hell for the next couple of days. I mean more than usual, which is a lot. I use ice, per my chiropractors advice and then I'm supposed to rest for the remainder of the day to give my back and the surrounding muscles some time to recover from the adjustment.
This is where the problem comes in. I get adjusted around 2 or 3 pm and then get home and there is no time for me to rest. Ever. Someone always needs or wants something done. For instance, yesterday I got adjusted and then got home around 6 pm after running a couple more errands, no big deal except I wasn't given the option to rest or ice down my back for more than 1 hour before someone needed something.
My mother wanted help going through a tote of paperwork, dinner needed to be made, Ardanata needed to be fed and had a bad diaper rash that needed tending to, my sister wanted chocolate chip cookies that I had promised her I'd make.
All of this requires a lot of movement on my part. A lot of time spent standing on my feet in the kitchen. My back is screaming today because of it. I can barely handle sitting or lying down let alone standing and walking. And I don't even want to think about bending over.
The pain is a constant aching pinching feeling in my low back on the right and then it will spread into a burning feeling down my legs. That hasn't happened yet but I feel like it's going to since it's already spread to my right ass cheek and is making that ache something fierce. Not a comfortable feeling that.
So there it is. My whine/complaint about how I always hurt. It sucks, it really does. I try to ignore it as best I can but it's hard to do. I take my meds and do my exercises and stretching but they only do so much before it's back to the constant pinching and burning pain. I know everything happens for a reason and you're given the life you're given because you can handle it and I know I'm a survivor and I know I'll make it through this but there are some days where it doesn't feel that way.
The end result of this accident for me is a permanent twist to my lower lumbar spine that will not go away and a sideways s-curve to the rest of my spine that I see a chiropractor for just so it doesn't get any worse. I'm in constant pain because of these two things. CONSTANT pain that can and does spread down to both my legs causing numbness, tingling and burning pain. There is a surgery available to correct the twist in my lumbar spine but the risk of losing all use of my right leg is 80%. I don't think that's a viable option being a mother and wanting to live a relatively active life.
All of that brings me to my update, my complaint, my little whiny paragraph or two. Every time I see my chiropractor it hurts like hell for the next couple of days. I mean more than usual, which is a lot. I use ice, per my chiropractors advice and then I'm supposed to rest for the remainder of the day to give my back and the surrounding muscles some time to recover from the adjustment.
This is where the problem comes in. I get adjusted around 2 or 3 pm and then get home and there is no time for me to rest. Ever. Someone always needs or wants something done. For instance, yesterday I got adjusted and then got home around 6 pm after running a couple more errands, no big deal except I wasn't given the option to rest or ice down my back for more than 1 hour before someone needed something.
My mother wanted help going through a tote of paperwork, dinner needed to be made, Ardanata needed to be fed and had a bad diaper rash that needed tending to, my sister wanted chocolate chip cookies that I had promised her I'd make.
All of this requires a lot of movement on my part. A lot of time spent standing on my feet in the kitchen. My back is screaming today because of it. I can barely handle sitting or lying down let alone standing and walking. And I don't even want to think about bending over.
The pain is a constant aching pinching feeling in my low back on the right and then it will spread into a burning feeling down my legs. That hasn't happened yet but I feel like it's going to since it's already spread to my right ass cheek and is making that ache something fierce. Not a comfortable feeling that.
So there it is. My whine/complaint about how I always hurt. It sucks, it really does. I try to ignore it as best I can but it's hard to do. I take my meds and do my exercises and stretching but they only do so much before it's back to the constant pinching and burning pain. I know everything happens for a reason and you're given the life you're given because you can handle it and I know I'm a survivor and I know I'll make it through this but there are some days where it doesn't feel that way.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
4 am and not sleeping...again.
I had a very busy day ahead of me today and I couldn't get to sleep easily. Went to bed around 4:30 am and woke up with an urge to pee like no other ever felt before in the history of man at 9:30 am. Roughly five hours of sleep. Not bad by my standards. I rarely get enough sleep, it's just the way I am. I do take a nap or two throughout the day though.
Perhaps my lack of sleep or ability to perform daily tasks and routines with little to no sleep is a gift from the gods or something. Maybe I should bottle it up and sell it or teach classes on how to do what I do everyday, work miracles with damn near no sleep. *shrugs* It's worth looking into...maybe. >_>
That's all part of my craziness, you know, the lack of sleep is. It keeps my crazy persona strapped in place tightly over my nicely bipolar personality. That's the way I feel, like I'm one big mash up of crazy, mixed up with bipolar and anxiety and just a dash of insomnia. An interesting recipe that makes for an interesting person.
I'm writing this blog so everyone can get to know me a little better. Get to know how I feel on a day to day basis, how I think, what makes me tick, all the fun and interesting things that wander through my brain and all the happenings in my life.
For instance, when I walked in the door after being gone for 4.5 hours and said Hi to my 7-month-old she looked up at me and said, "Ma!" all excited. I loved it so much, it warmed my heart, made me choke up a little. She said Ma! That's one step closer to Mom! It's the little things that make me happy with her.
Yes, the screaming and tears and dirty diapers and sleepless nights are irritating and frustrating but to see her smile at me and start talking and walking and have her smile at me makes it all worth while. And I know so many moms have said that same thing before me but those small moments where they do something so little like smile at you or giggle and laugh when you make a silly face at them or cuddle close to you after you've been gone for a while or even just a short time really do make up for all the difficulties you go through being a parent.
I never though being a parent was going to be easy, by gods no, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, not by any standard and having another one on the way really scares me sometimes. Makes me wonder if I'm going to survive it with sanity intact. Then I remember the little moments and I know I'll make it. I know I'll survive it, I know I'll make it through and be the best damn mom I can be to my two very beautiful babies.
And with the help and love of my family and my fiance, I don't think it'll be all that difficult. I really don't, when I rationalize it like that, I know it won't be so hard but when I just suddenly think of it in the middle of the day when Ardanata is crying and nothing will console her my mind gets the better of me and makes me panic. It's a flaw I have. I've tried to change it, tried to make it not happen but it just does and there's nothing I can do to change who I am.
Perhaps my lack of sleep or ability to perform daily tasks and routines with little to no sleep is a gift from the gods or something. Maybe I should bottle it up and sell it or teach classes on how to do what I do everyday, work miracles with damn near no sleep. *shrugs* It's worth looking into...maybe. >_>
That's all part of my craziness, you know, the lack of sleep is. It keeps my crazy persona strapped in place tightly over my nicely bipolar personality. That's the way I feel, like I'm one big mash up of crazy, mixed up with bipolar and anxiety and just a dash of insomnia. An interesting recipe that makes for an interesting person.
I'm writing this blog so everyone can get to know me a little better. Get to know how I feel on a day to day basis, how I think, what makes me tick, all the fun and interesting things that wander through my brain and all the happenings in my life.
For instance, when I walked in the door after being gone for 4.5 hours and said Hi to my 7-month-old she looked up at me and said, "Ma!" all excited. I loved it so much, it warmed my heart, made me choke up a little. She said Ma! That's one step closer to Mom! It's the little things that make me happy with her.
Yes, the screaming and tears and dirty diapers and sleepless nights are irritating and frustrating but to see her smile at me and start talking and walking and have her smile at me makes it all worth while. And I know so many moms have said that same thing before me but those small moments where they do something so little like smile at you or giggle and laugh when you make a silly face at them or cuddle close to you after you've been gone for a while or even just a short time really do make up for all the difficulties you go through being a parent.
I never though being a parent was going to be easy, by gods no, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, not by any standard and having another one on the way really scares me sometimes. Makes me wonder if I'm going to survive it with sanity intact. Then I remember the little moments and I know I'll make it. I know I'll survive it, I know I'll make it through and be the best damn mom I can be to my two very beautiful babies.
And with the help and love of my family and my fiance, I don't think it'll be all that difficult. I really don't, when I rationalize it like that, I know it won't be so hard but when I just suddenly think of it in the middle of the day when Ardanata is crying and nothing will console her my mind gets the better of me and makes me panic. It's a flaw I have. I've tried to change it, tried to make it not happen but it just does and there's nothing I can do to change who I am.
Monday, January 21, 2013
A New Me...?
It has been quite a while since I last updated my blog. Therefore, I have a lot to say but I am going to do my best to keep it to a minimum so I don't bore you. Gods know how much I hate trying to sift through a long, intense and basically, informative blog when you're just trying to find something to entertain yourself for a while.
I'm 29 years old now, going on 30 this year. That's right, the big 3-0! O_O Holy crap! You know growing up when asked what my plans were for the future I never thought beyond the age of 25. Now I'm sitting here looking at 30 and going, "Where has the time gone?" and "How did I get to this?". Another question that often pops into my head is, "What do I have to show for 30 years of life on this planet?".
This is my baby girl, Ardanata Joan, Ari for short. ^-^
I have an answer to the last question. I am now the proud momma of a 7.5-month-old beautiful daughter whom I named Ardanata Joan. AND...drumroll please...drdrdrdrddrdrdrdrdrdr...I am 6 months pregnant with my second daughter. Yes we're having another little girl whom we shall name, Teagan Rose! ^-^ She is currently kicking away inside my abdomen, happy as can be, letting mommy know she's alive and doing well.
Oh that's what else I wanted to inform you all of, I am currently
engaged to a wonderful man, Adam Sutton. In February of this year I
will be taking his name for the rest of my life in a small courthouse
wedding. Then in August we will be having our handfasting, a little
Pagan ceremony with all of our friends and family present to make it
complete to us.
My fiance, Adam. ^-^
Soooooo, yea. Engaged to be married this year, Ardanata's first birthday this year, expecting our new daughter this year in late April, early May, we're going to have lots of baby's first holidays this year for both children. It's going to be a very busy year for us.
In all honesty, I really wish that we had waited a couple years before getting pregnant again because my body isn't handling this pregnancy as well as it did the last. My abdomen is constantly sore, my back hurts more every day than it usually does, I'm being VERY hormonal and I'm tired all the time.
Well, that's enough for now. I really just wanted to update you so I could continue going on with my blog and not have everyone confused.
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