I'm a worrier. Always have been and probably always will be. I do try not to as often as I can but it's difficult for me.
You see, growing up, I was mentally and physically abused by my alcoholic father. And I was constantly vigilant, wondering and worrying about when the next round of abuse was going to come raining down on me.
It's ingrained in my brain now to worry, about everything and anything that comes my way. From the smallest most insignificant thing like am I going to get the laundry done in time before I have to go out to the big things like finances, like where our next meal is going to come from when we've run out of what I bought for the month with my foodstamps and where I'm going to get gas money from so I can make sure we all get to our appointments.
I've taken on the role of appointment and household needs organizer all on my own and it's a lot of pressure on me, a lot of weight on my shoulders since my household isn't just MY little family of me, my fiance and my daughter, soon to be two daughters as I'm pregnant but includes my disabled mother and autistic sister as well.
It's a tough situation I'm in. I don't want to leave my mother and sister to fend for themselves since they were always there for me when I needed them most and now I feel as though they really NEED me. My poor mother's body is giving out on her, with bad hands that have nerve damage and severe carpal tunnel from 20+ years of sitting behind a desk and typing, a bad knee that is bowing outwards, a low back that you can HEAR crunch when she sits down and a screwed up neck, I don't want to leave her alone to handle my sister all by herself.
My sister is considered a high functioning autistic diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and she is constantly in her own little world. My mother and I have been trying and trying to get her to come out of her world more often and join the real world but she is very obstinate and hates change.
So I feel like my mother wouldn't be safe alone with my sister. I mean, if she fell in the shower and hurt herself to the point she couldn't get up, how long would it take for my sister to notice that she has been gone far too long for just a shower and finally get up to find out where she is?
I can't rely on my sister to help me or my mother out. That's what it comes down to and I hate it. I hate it so much.
