I had a very busy day ahead of me today and I couldn't get to sleep easily. Went to bed around 4:30 am and woke up with an urge to pee like no other ever felt before in the history of man at 9:30 am. Roughly five hours of sleep. Not bad by my standards. I rarely get enough sleep, it's just the way I am. I do take a nap or two throughout the day though.
Perhaps my lack of sleep or ability to perform daily tasks and routines with little to no sleep is a gift from the gods or something. Maybe I should bottle it up and sell it or teach classes on how to do what I do everyday, work miracles with damn near no sleep. *shrugs* It's worth looking into...maybe. >_>
That's all part of my craziness, you know, the lack of sleep is. It keeps my crazy persona strapped in place tightly over my nicely bipolar personality. That's the way I feel, like I'm one big mash up of crazy, mixed up with bipolar and anxiety and just a dash of insomnia. An interesting recipe that makes for an interesting person.
I'm writing this blog so everyone can get to know me a little better. Get to know how I feel on a day to day basis, how I think, what makes me tick, all the fun and interesting things that wander through my brain and all the happenings in my life.
For instance, when I walked in the door after being gone for 4.5 hours and said Hi to my 7-month-old she looked up at me and said, "Ma!" all excited. I loved it so much, it warmed my heart, made me choke up a little. She said Ma! That's one step closer to Mom! It's the little things that make me happy with her.
Yes, the screaming and tears and dirty diapers and sleepless nights are irritating and frustrating but to see her smile at me and start talking and walking and have her smile at me makes it all worth while. And I know so many moms have said that same thing before me but those small moments where they do something so little like smile at you or giggle and laugh when you make a silly face at them or cuddle close to you after you've been gone for a while or even just a short time really do make up for all the difficulties you go through being a parent.
I never though being a parent was going to be easy, by gods no, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, not by any standard and having another one on the way really scares me sometimes. Makes me wonder if I'm going to survive it with sanity intact. Then I remember the little moments and I know I'll make it. I know I'll survive it, I know I'll make it through and be the best damn mom I can be to my two very beautiful babies.
And with the help and love of my family and my fiance, I don't think it'll be all that difficult. I really don't, when I rationalize it like that, I know it won't be so hard but when I just suddenly think of it in the middle of the day when Ardanata is crying and nothing will console her my mind gets the better of me and makes me panic. It's a flaw I have. I've tried to change it, tried to make it not happen but it just does and there's nothing I can do to change who I am.
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