I was always the big kid growing up. Always taller than my friends, always wider too. I was a big baby even, 10 pounds. And my poor 5'4" mother had to carry me for nine months and then give birth to a baby that, now and forever, will be taller and heavier set than she. My father was a big guy though. I suspect that's where I got my genetic coding for the large bone structure, being heavy set and for my extraordinarily large feet, women's size 12.
I have a point to this whole shpeal above. You see I weighed in at 450+ pounds barely six months ago and I now weigh in at just under 350 pounds. Why you may ask? Or even how? How did I lose over 100 pounds in six months. I had bariatric weight loss surgery on February 2nd, 2011 and am doing fantastically well.
I can walk for hours now without my knees and ankles killing me. My feet don't hurt nearly as much when I stand. I am not getting constant stress fractures in them anymore. My back, well it still hurts because I have a funny sideways curve to it but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to. I feel wonderful. I have so much more energy. I can keep up with my godson, my dog, all my family and still have energy at the end of the day to do dishes or laundry or bake or cook.
It's a wonderful feeling to finally have had this surgery over and done with because honestly I waited twelve years for this. I first tried to have the surgery done when I was sixteen years old, I am now twenty eight years old and FINALLY have had the weight loss surgery I so drastically needed and so anxiously awaited and so fervently pushed for for twelve long years. At sixteen the insurance company told me I was still young and had many weight loss options and opportunities ahead of me. Pffft...yea right. At sixteen I weighed 400+ pounds and was 5'10", had been struggling with weight loss my entire life and had tried every trick, gimmick and the like I could come across.
So after years upon years of wishing and hoping and trying and struggling it finally came to be. It all seems surreal almost, like I'll wake up one morning and it'll all have been a joke or some kind of twisted dream. But then I look at myself in the mirror and I realize that my face is much thinner, my arms are much skinnier, my entire torso has an hourglass shape now, my legs have definition to them, my calves are smaller. I am down three dress sizes already and I'm still going strong. And then there are the scars, my permanent reminder of the invasive and extreme length I went to to lose weight and keep it off finally.
My eating habits have changed drastically. I intake more protein than anything else, vegetables go next in line followed closely by fruits and last in line are carbohydrates. Yes, me, the avid baker and lover of all things baked, sweet and dreamily delicious can barely eat and often choose not to eat many of the things that I bake. In fact, my new body can only handle half a regular sized cupcake and I'm lucky if I can even eat that but it doesn't really bother me.
Baking is my outlet, my stress reliever/hobby. It keeps me entertained, makes me feel productive and creative, gives me opportunities to try new fun things and create masterpieces of culinary design and I love it so. Not everything turns out perfect but I rarely have a dessert that someone won't eat.
However, my new body can't really entertain that many sugars anymore so alas I cannot eat as much as I'd like to or used to but I can eat some of it and enjoy every moment of it. So you see, even though my life has changed drastically with this surgery, the surgery has taught me how to portion control myself. I can still enjoy the sweets in life but they aren't going to feed my new body as much as a piece of chicken breast or a half of a ham and turkey and swiss and provolone sandwich will. I need to take in so much more protein now than I think I ever have before in my life. Instead of filling myself with carbs I'm counting out how many proteins I've taken in at the end of every day. So instead of worrying about being sated I'm worrying about intaking enough protein so I don't lose any of my hair or so my skin doesn't get dry and my nails don't get brittle.
Every morning I'm taking in multivitamins, calcium tablets, vitamins D and B12 along with my regular every day medications for my bipolar disorder and my hypothyroidism which had to upped because the surgery causes so much of what I take in to not be absorbed, it's how the surgery works. They remove part of your intestine and part of your stomach so you can't absorb as much as you used to, this way everything you take in isn't all going in, hence, you'll lose weight.
To top it all off the self confidence boost I've gotten from losing weight and looking better and feeling better has helped my bipolar disorder and made me more comfortable with who I am. Enough so in fact that I'm actually dating again for the first time in two years. It's fantastic really. Everything is fantastic. Yes, with my bipolar disorder my moods still flip and sometimes I am still depressed despite all of the above wonderful things going on but I realize now that I'll never be able to not have those moments during the day because it's a part of who I am. It's a part of who I'll always be. My moods dictate my life and how I feel. I can't help that. What I can do though, through the use of my regular medication and some wonderful support from family members, is stop myself from spiraling downward into a deep depression from over analyzing a small insignificant situation and taking it wildly out of control, thinking only the worst things and not rationalizing at all. With my meds and my support yes I still spiral down but I don't go as far, I don't go as deep into myself and I rationalize things, it takes me longer than the average mentally healthy person does but, as I said before, that can't be helped.
So there are pros and cons to this entire situation I've put myself in but I'm finding there are far more pros than cons and far more good has come from it than bad. Lately, I've lost some hair because last month around this time I must not have gotten enough protein for whatever reason but I am watching what I eat very closely now and making damn sure that I won't be losing any more. I like my hair too much to not take notice and change my ways.
My sister actually cried the other day because I finally fit into the same sizes of clothing she does and she's always wanted to be able to share clothing with me but it could never happen because I was just too big. She was so happy and excited she actually cried and that's when I realized that it wasn't just me that benefited from this surgery, my loved ones did as well. I'll be around longer for them now that I'm healthier and happier. And now that I'm happier they're happier. I'm getting out and doing more things with my friends because I'm not so self conscious as I was before about my appearance. I don't mind wearing sleeveless shirts anymore. I don't mind going out in just capri leggings and a t-shirt. I see myself in the mirror and find myself saying things like, "looking good Kate", or even "Damn you are a pretty woman!". It makes me smile every time.
So yes, I did a drastic thing, yes it was invasive and yes many people don't think I should have gone through with it but the people who count, the people I love and live with and see on a regular basis and my close friends are happy for me. They love me and are just as exuberant about my weight loss as I am and I don't plan on stopping the weight loss process until I have reached my goal of at least 270 pounds. So I have to lose another 120 pounds.
In closing, I never thought I would see this day come, never thought I'd be able to lose more than 10 or 20 pounds by myself and yet here I am. Living happily lighter and healthier and just all around better than I've ever felt in my entire adult life. So never say never folks because dreams can come true. ;)
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